Yesterday I had the privilege to attend and help facilitate a Death Cafe in my hometown of Monmouth, Oregon. My former professor Doctor Baldwin hosted this event and recruited me as a facilitator.
What is a Death Cafe you ask?
This is the definition from their
website:
"At a Death Cafe people, often strangers, gather to eat cake, drink tea and discuss death.
Our objective is
'to increase awareness of death with a view to helping people make the most of their (finite) lives'.
A Death Cafe is a group directed discussion of death with no agenda,
objectives or themes. It is a discussion group rather than a grief
support or counseling session."
How I saw it was, giving people a safe place to talk about death without judgement or agenda.
I had never been to a Death Cafe or even heard about it before Paula mentioned it to me. I was very honored to be asked to assist in the process. I wasn't sure what to expect, so I tried to not imagine things too much, but rather let myself be surprised.
We had a setup where one or two facilitators sat at a table and people could join a table of their choice and converse for the first hour or so. Everyone introduced themselves. I gave prompts for discussion starters, for example I asked the participants to complete the sentence: Death is... I was expecting to have to give more prompts, but the conversation flowed very freely. The large variety of topics we discussed surprised me. We talked about death of loved ones, pets, as well as that of strangers like soldiers or people who died during the Boston bombings.
Some of the people in attendance were very academically inclined and I think may have over thought the process or expected to be given advice or a result. I think that often in an academic setting people do things in order to get a result, start with a hypothesis, do research, try to prove it, and have it evolve into a theory. That's not really what this is about.
To me these discussions very fascinating. I felt like hearing things from other people's perspective was enlightening to say the least! I'm not sure if I had an aha-moment during the event, but later that night when I was lying in bed and not able to sleep, things kept running through my mind. I kept thinking about what others said, and how I felt about death. I realized a pretty big thing last night. I don't actually fear death. I thought about how I would feel if I died tomorrow. Sure, I would have some things I would still like to achieve. I would be sad that I never had the chance to be a mother amongst other experience. The big "BUT" is: I wouldn't have any regrets. If I died tomorrow I would not regret any of my choices. Sure, there are some that were ill advised, but everything I did has brought me here to where I am now. I like where I am. Sure, I'd rather have better financial stability, maybe be a bit skinnier, and have less health concerns. But look at what I have. My husband and my dog are my family, I love my job, I love my home, I love my hobbies, and I love being who I am.
So there it is, my big aha-moment is that I love who I am and don't fear dying because of it.
I hope I get a chance to participate with another Death Cafe someday.
