Bravery

Isn't it funny how we can always recognize and admire bravery in others, but so seldom recognize it in ourselves?

Today I finished watching Ugly Betty. She decides to move from New York to London all on her own. She is portrayed as being so brave for moving across the ocean to another continent without knowing anyone, though she has a job there, therefore a secure income and purpose. She is following her dream.

I sat there and thought about how cool she is. I thought about how exciting it would be to start a brand new life. And yes, I thought about how brave she was, and how I could never be that cool. Then I sat there for another few moments and realized that I had done just about that same thing.

When I graduated Gymnasium and got my Abitur in Germany I decided that I wanted to go to University of Oregon and follow in my grandparents' footsteps. I moved to America. Yes I had family here, but it was family I barely knew. I moved in with my grandfather and uncle Dan. I had probably spent a total of maybe 6 weeks of my life in my grandfather's company when visiting. I had spent a bit more time with my uncle, but only in sporadic cross-continental visits. I only ended up staying with them for a few weeks until I moved to Bend to live with my cousin.

Not everything turned out as I had planned. I didn't go to University of Oregon, but I am currently enrolled at Western Oregon University and am scheduled to receive my bachelor in German this June. I didn't "never date ever again" like I swore I would, but I'm quite happy with how that turned out! ;) Not everything goes according to plan, but sometimes that's how it needs to happen.

I always think that at age 26 I should have achieved more. I always bemoan the fact that I'm so old to still be going to school. I see my younger sister already half way through her Master's program and feel so behind. My cousin is going to start trying to get pregnant with her husband this summer, and I realize how far away I am from that. But then it dawns in me:

I lived here in America. I found jobs. I managed to get admitted to college. I got married. I got a dog. I got a house. I keep forgetting how much I have achieved, and when I do remember I tend to belittle it.

I wonder if other people do that to. I wonder if people watch tv and think: "I could never do that!" without realizing they already have.

Comic Con- Wizard World

Yay, we went to the Comic Con in Portland. It was my first con, and great fun. I wish I had had a bit more time, but I was pretty much sick anyway, so maybe it was good we weren't there too long.
It was amazing to see Stan Lee and Bruce Campbell. Bruce was hilarious!
Here are some pictures:

Getting ready to go wearing my Doctor Who shirt. :)

Bad ass Sauron!

There's Stan. My husband actually got some pictures of actual Stan and not just him on the screen, but oh well, I just had my phone.

A whole bunch of R2D2s that actually moved around and beeped at people.

Gandalf

Impala from Supernatural

I asked for a pic with Deadpool, he said only if I shoot him.

He said I took too long, so he took care of it himself.

My adorable husband! We went to have dinner at Red Robin in between.

Hot tubing steak fries!

My delicious meal!

There's Bruce! Soooo funny!!! He staged a movie.

Taco Packets

I've still been struggling a bit with the blues lately. So I did the thing that always makes me feel better: I cooked something new, did a bit of experimenting, and fed people. I cooked for my husband and one of his friends.
This is the recipe I roughly followed:
Chimichangas
However it's not fried. I also modified the recipe and used ground beef I cooked up with Mexican seasoning instead of the shredded chicken the recipe recommends. I cooked up the ground beef with paprika, salt, pepper, chili powder, cumin, and a bit of oregano. Then I mixed in a thing of whipped cream cheese, a bunch of sharp cheddar cheese, a bit of Mexican blend cheese and filled the tortillas. My husband hates beans, so that completed his set. But for his friend and myself I first put down a layer of refried beans, and then the meat and cheese mixture.
I served them with pico de gallo, sour cream, and slices of avocado. I was surprised by how delicious they were. Spraying them with the cooking spray gave them a kind of crunchy shell which I really liked! I may be weird, but some of the cooking sprays really weird me out when they have all those ingredients I can't pronounce. So I bought one that is just olive oil. They were also extremely filling. My husband managed to eat two of the ones without the refried beans. His friend and I both only managed one each of the ones with beans and felt completely stuffed afterwards.
I bought the large winco pack of ground beef, the larger size of cream cheese, one regular sized bag of shredded cheese, and a bit extra cheese, and a small can of refried beans. This made 8 of the baked burritos, or taco packets as I like to call them. 5 with the beans and 3 without.
Here are two pictures of what they look like. These are the ones with beans, the ones without are a bit slimmer.

Emotional Therapy

What do you do to keep yourself sane?

I am always on the search for small little ways to do this. Here's one little one:

Music

Isn't it amazing how the right song can make your heart sing? Or cry. I've always wondered if I was the only one that could be brought to tears by a song. I feel song. And of course I know that I will never be the only one that does something with how many people there are in the world... The thing is though, I've never meet anyone else who feels things this strongly. It feels like everything you are is part of this.
Maybe music is there to help those of us express what we ourselves can't.

Who am I?

Who am I anyway? Do I know? Do you know? Because I am desperately on the search to find out. So if you do know, please tell me!
There is so much that I am, which can make me not know what it really is that defines me. At the moment it seems like what defines me is exhaustion and anxiety. Working with people who have developmental disabilities is so very rewarding, but also emotionally exhausting. We don't always get back what we put in. However, those of us who do this job with compassion and empathy never stop. I lie in bed, my mind reeling from the day, but still I couldn't give up on my people. I think I do this for them, to help them, but maybe I'm self serving and just want to be able to feel good about myself. Who really knows?
Then there's university. The never ending story may have an ending after all. It looks like I will graduate this summer. But will I be free? Or rather do I want to be free? I've applied to two grad school programs. I am paralyzed by fear! What if I don't get in? What will I do? What if I do get in? What will I do? If I don't get in to either program I will have to go on the job hunt because I don't think I can make what I do a career. If I do get in I will have to leave my husband and my dog. I will have to move to a new place on my own. Again. I am petrified. Even I know it's ridiculous. Does that stop me though? Haha, you're funny!
There is nothing for it, but to play the waiting game and see what comes of it. Now if only I could figure out how to make that easier.

In my quest to find out who I am, maybe I should just see what it is I already know.
I am female.
I am short.
I am a wife.
I am international.
I am Swiss.
I am American.
I am a bit German, in my heart.
I am a friend.
I am caring.
I am plump.
I am emotional.
I am prone to break downs and crying fits.
I am very empathetic, maybe more than is good for me.
I am a doggy mommy.
I am faithful.
I am true.
I am bitchy.
I am demanding.
I am giving.
I am a wuss.
I am a geek.
I am a student.
I am a teacher in my job.
I am loud.
I am hilarious to myself; not everyone agrees with my assessment.
I am a worry wart.
I am a direct support staff.
I am a technology aficionado.
I am a reader.
I am lazy.
I am different.
I am in bed.

I am over sharing and abusing the internet.  The good thing is no one has to read this. The other good thing is I already feel better.


I AM ME!

I am ok with being me, but I don't know if being me is enough.